INsight/ First Moves Matter

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Ubud, 17 May 2023 — Your first contribution can be contagious.

Story

It happened last week. As a coach and facilitator, I observed that in a participative group discussion, the ‘first move’ chosen by a participant set the tone for how the conversation continued for quite some time, thereby influencing how other participants started engaging with the topic. What happened was that this ‘first move’ used a critical,  questioning perspective. That tone was then carried forward in much of the discussion that followed. Afterwards, I realized as the facilitator that it took a lot of effort to turn the discussion around to the positive aspects of the topic.

Reflecting on the experience, I realized that in most conferences, keynote speakers are invited to make the first move on a positive note, thereby setting the tone for the discussion, like choosing the musical key that the discussion (the song) will be played in. Of course, during the discussion, there can be space for many different perspectives, including critical and negative questions. However, these are then more easily handled by the participants and the facilitators as they can be seen as challenges to be considered in order to reach the positive outcome presented by the keynote speaker.

Whatever the first move you make during a discussion, it’s worth remembering that the energy of what you think and say is likely to be contagious to yourself and others in the conversation. In my experience, it’s more difficult to change the tone of a conversation to a more positive level once it has kicked off on a more negative note. This is important for us as leaders and it reminded me of the insight shared by Barbara Frederickson, a psychologist. “Life gives us negativity on its own,” she wrote. “It’s our job to create positivity.” So how can you apply this wisdom in the conversations you participate in?

Challenge

Each time you contribute to a discussion, you can consciously choose the note of your contribution by taking these three steps. First, reflect on where your mind is at that time. Second, reflect on where the other participants are ‘at.’ Third, reflect on the impact (the note) you want your contribution to make to the discussion. The first step is about being mindful before speaking up. Take a quick moment to reflect on what you are thinking, and what mindset or worldview you are inhabiting in that moment. With deliberate practice, you can do this reflection very fast, often taking no more than a few seconds. 

The second step is to reflect on the purpose of the conversation and what it is really about. To find out, you can do this as part of your preparations and by reflecting on it during the conversation. Active listening to others can help you quickly get the hang of this, taking in what is being said, tuning into what emotions are involved, and noting what is not being said. This step is about paying attention to ‘meta questions’ like “What is really happening?” and “What is most important and needed.” 

The third step is about choosing how to make your contribution and in what ‘note’ and tone of voice. What you contribute can be a question, a comment, an experience to share, or an insight to present. The associated meta-question here is “What is the most helpful action I can take?” I often translate this into “What is the best contribution I can make in this situation?” It empowers you to respond in the best way possible, rather than react triggered by emotions. I learned the art of asking these meta-questions from Brett Thomas, one of my mentors. Read more about it here. 

Question

Whenever you are called on, or take the initiative, to make a contribution to a conversation (either in a one-to-one or a team meeting or larger gathering), you can choose to apply these three steps. Once your leadership antennas become more finely tuned through practice, you can do this quickly. What you decide your contribution to be will depend on your self-awareness and situational awareness, the context, and your skills. The fuller your leadership toolkit, the more options you have available.

My question for you this week is: how do you normally start your contribution to a discussion? What’s your default ‘note’ that you’re sharing with others? Is it positive and enabling, or more often negative and critical? And what options do you see for yourself to contribute? Do you mostly stick with your default mode, or are you open to giving alternative ways a go? Please share your responses, I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

During leadership training and coaching, I often mention that everything you do and do not do has something to do with your leadership. Seen that way, your daily life becomes a laboratory to grow your leadership and show up in the best way you can, including as you make your ‘first move’ to contribute to the situations you are in. Are you ready to ‘try on’ this challenge and be individually coached to accelerate your leadership growth? If so, book a free strategy call so that we can discuss how to get started.