INsight/ Three Connect Gaps

Photo by Karen282 on Pixabay

Manila, 7 October 2020 — Nothing moves until you make the connection.

In this post, I help you identify three gaps that can stop you from making a connection with other people. Making a good connection with others is, of course, an essential skill for leaders. You would think that we’re all very good at it by now.

Think again. 

I come across many cases where leaders fail to connect, and I’m sure you have seen that for yourself too. Here is how it happens. It’s not because of a lack of good intentions. In fact, usually the opposite. Leaders fail to connect because they’re so full of ideas and passion.

Typically, I found that there are three ways a disconnect happens. I call them the Three Connect Gaps. Let’s check if you can see them for what they are, or not yet.

The Mind Gap

You don’t see this gap if you’re full of yourself and your own thoughts, so there is no space for others. No space for curiosity. No awareness of the need for you to open your mind to others. No time to reach out to others in a conversation that expands you.

Instead, your mind is closed and busy entertaining your own ideas, intentions, and solutions. This doesn’t mean that you don’t talk with others. Far from it. It mostly means you’re talking to or at others too much. Your time is spent mostly ‘Telling.’ 

Think about the traditional custom of ‘giving a lecture.’ I have seen this happen so many times without any two-way exchange with the audience: no conversation, no buy-in, and therefore little or no result. 

When you think about it, almost all the time in a lecture is spent on ‘being right.’ All with good intentions, of course. Q&A will then be the time for people to ask questions about a perspective that’s important to them and then, basically, you respond to explain why you are right. No real connection is made.

Last year, an industry representative at an international conference I attended in Brisbane summed it up this way: “If you’re waiting at your own table for people to come and join you,” he said, “that’s not going to help. What you should do instead is to meet other stakeholders at their table.”

I recommend that you make it a habit to invest time in ‘walking over’ to meet other people where they are and find out where they’re at. In #Grow3Leaders we call this habit Expanding your Conversation and we practice it on #WalkingWednesday.

The Heart Gap

You don’t feel this gap if you’re full of your own emotions, dreams, and worries. When that happens, you’re full of standing in your own shoes, so you never get to feel what it’s like to stand in someone else’s shoes. 

No time for care, for empathy, compassion, for a heartfelt understanding of what others need and want. No attention to discovering their problems and, at a deeper and subconscious level, their fears. Just like, perhaps, you’re not allowing yourself to attend to your own fears and overcome them. Your heart is closed to others, and perhaps to yourself too.

The #WalkingWednesday practice allows you to build a habit of walking over to other people and switching on your empathy antennas to find out what they feel. You practice asking questions and listening with your mind present, your heart opening, and your mouth zipped.

Leaders I coach keep telling me how many unexpected discoveries they make when practicing this.

The Language Gap

If you have problems attending to the Mind Gap and the Heart Gap then you’re going to be at a loss to see the Language Gap. This is the divide between what’s important to you and what’s important to the others — like your boss, colleagues, clients, and partners in work and life. 

It happens when you talk on a different wavelength from what others need to hear to connect well with you. Chances are that you keep broadcasting in your language rather than searching for the language to connect their hearts and minds with yours. 

This is mainly due to a lack of skills. As the name suggests, it’s about expanding the number of languages you can speak. Each of the seven communication languages we practice in #Grow3Leaders goes with a particular kind of leadership style. Effective leaders keep learning and practicing to become polyglots.

Just like a traveler, you can encounter the Language Gap anytime. If can happen in a 1:1 conversation, a team discussion, or when you’re presenting to a larger number of people. Only, the gap will be less obvious to you than to a physical traveler.

Putting it Together

When your next opportunity comes to talk with others, ask yourself if you’re just talking, or actually connecting. Make space in your mind and open your heart to the other person or persons. And speak the language of the leadership style you think is most appropriate. 

To get started, you just need a little bit of theory, and then a lot of practice and feedback. That’s where a community like #Grow3Leaders helps you to practice in a safe space.