Manila, 4 November 2020 — When asking questions becomes difficult.

No, this is not about the US elections. But it could be.

This month in the #Grow3Leaders community we’re exploring the leadership behavior of using the power of questions. 

Questions Everywhere

If you read this post, chances are that you have already watched the Golden Circle TED talk by Simon Sinek, on the importance of Why, What, and How.

You might also have come across Rudyard Kipling’s poem about the six honest serving-men he kept, who taught him all he knew. “Their names are What and Why and When and How and Where and Who,” wrote the poet.

If you are a Millennial or have worked with Millennials in the workplace — and who hasn’t — you will have some degree of familiarity with the habit of asking questions. It’s often seen these days as part of the 21st-century skill set.

And who could forget (but we do, sadly) how we behaved as a child. You were full of curiosity as you bombarded your parents with questions of why, what, and how. Questions asked repeatedly and sometimes exhausting the ability of your parents to provide a satisfactory answer.

Everyone knows that questions are important. So why aren’t you using them enough at work? I’m asking you a Why question — does that challenge you? 

The Why Question

How would you react if I asked you why you came late? It might be that you had a reason, right? You would likely feel that you were put on the defensive so you would respond with a good reason. A reason that would make you look good, or would make your late arrival look at least acceptable.

But would that help our discussion forward?

Asking powerful questions is a behavior that effective leaders nurture. However, there isn’t one way to do that. All leadership takes place in a context, for which the right approach must be found. No one-size-fits-all solutions exist.

Once you decide on a particular behavior, you must also carry it off with sufficient skill for it to become effective. That also applies to asking questions. Including questions that start with Why.

It takes learning to discover how to use the power of questions to good effect. Let’s start, however, by exploring why questions aren’t used more widely in pursuit of influencing change.

In my experience of working with leaders of all ages, I found three conditions in which asking questions becomes difficult. I call them the Three Question Traps. Let’s see what they are and how it applies to you?

1. The Timidity Trap

First, there is the trap of timidity where you are afraid to speak up, concerned that your question may be seen as silly or stupid. People often encounter this trap during their school years, yet for many, that pattern endures all the way to university and into the workplace.

“I’m not good enough” is the conscious or subconscious fear you feel when you’re in this trap. It can be part of a struggle with shyness and social anxiety.

This is a widespread and serious, life-limiting trap that can hold you back from being effective in your workplace, let alone grow to be a leader to influence positive changes.

2. The Optics Trap

Second, there is the trap where you are always working hard to look good and create a favorable impression on others. A very human condition, which has been exacerbated by the frequent use of social media. While recognition is a basic human need, too much desire for acceptance can leave you dependent on other people’s approval.

And that can trap you into inauthenticity, as you push back on anything that could make you look less good, and that includes you asking questions that show vulnerability. This trap makes it difficult for you to grow as a leader, as you’re reluctant to stretch yourself into a place of unlearning and new learning.

Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Daniel Gulati referred to this as Our Dangerous Obsession with External Recognition. Elaborating, he explained that it can hold you back from adding value, which matters most in growing your career. It can also lead you to misallocate your precious time and attention and to hold you back in your networking.

3. The Confidence Trap

Third, there is the trap of talking too much and becoming a know-it-all because you’re too full of yourself (and your leadership). It’s where you have mistakenly come to believe that you are essential and irreplaceable.

This trap is about an excess of confidence and success that has turned into weakness and is putting you at risk of failing in your leadership. Your curiosity has dwindled. A desire to learn and unlearn is no longer evident. Notwithstanding your being full of good intentions, your strength has turned into a weakness.

Summing up, you can say that Timidity Trap is about being too shy to ask questions, the Optics Trap about being too concerned to ask questions, and the Confidence Trap about being too confident to ask questions.

I have seen how these Three Questions Traps make asking questions difficult. When you don’t use the power of questions, you miss out on growing your influencing power. Whether it’s from fear, concern, or excess confidence, you’re like the person in the photo, trapped in a mailbox and waiting to be collected—and not to your destination of choice.

What do you make of these traps? Which of them is making it more difficult for you to get started with learning to use the power of questions to support your leadership?